Sarah WallockMove to a place I’ve never seen before? Yup. Travel by myself? Oh yeah. Head to Ecuador at 16 years old without knowing anyone? That’s me! But making friends in a new city? That’s another story. And as it turns out, I am not the only one thinking about how to make friends in a new city…
Google has over 8 BILLION search results for “how to make friends in a new city.” That is A TON. For instance, searching “best restaurants” only comes up with 2.3 billion. And searching for “new york city” comes up with 4.5 billion.
Conclusion: people really can’t seem to figure out how to make friends in new cities.
I’ve collected a wonderful array of friends over the years. Some from California, some from travel experiences, some from college. And some from the places I’ve spent significant amounts of time in. Generally, after college, it is not easy to find a solid group of friends with similar interests.
Upon moving to New Zealand, Nick and I had an inkling that Queenstown would feel more like home. Our first spot Taranaki definitely didn’t. Auckland wasn’t for us. Queenstown is a mountain town full of young people, so we assumed would have a rich social life. And in time, we did. But it took a lot of effort to find our people.
Here, I’ll outline various ways to make friends in a new city.
The Inevitable Awkward First Few Months of Moving
When we moved to Queenstown in October 2019, it was rainy, windy and not a pleasant time to be outdoors.
I went to dance class for months, he to soccer practices. We both worked jobs with a handful of young travelers. Many of them were nice, but for many, their only hobby was frequenting the local bars. It seemed like we were putting ourselves out there, time and time again. Nothing was clicking for Nick or myself.
There’s always going to be a period of social weirdness and isolation with moving. Especially if you don’t know a soul. Even when you do meet potential friend matches, you don’t have any shared experiences to build on. Inevitably, the first few months are going to be a little awkward.
At least when I moved to Mammoth Lakes, California, my expectations were low, so I had nothing to get worked up about.
Making Friends Takes Time
August 25, 2019, on my 22nd birthday, Nick and I sat across from each other at a hip restaurant in Taranaki. We were alone together. We had moved to a foreign country 3 weeks prior. What had we gotten ourselves into? We couldn’t seem to make any genuine connections with anyone at our hostel and many of the other travelers seemed to have a wall up.
One year later on my 23rd birthday, August 25, 2020, I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people I had ever met. Around 24 of us reserved the bottom of a moored-boat bar in Queenstown to celebrate my birthday. I felt loved, celebrated, youthful and spirited. Over the course of a year, our situation had changed dramatically.
Fast forward to August 25, 2021, I sat with my family around a hotel pool in Mammoth Lakes, California, a place where I had officially just moved and didn’t know a soul. We ate tacos and drank cider. We videochatted Nick in New Zealand and somehow, I was existing in this little bubble of comfort, but didn’t know a soul where I lived, yet again.
My point is: making friends in a new city takes time. We moved to Queenstown in October and it took over 9 months to feel like we had a solid social group. The right people lived there, it just took time to cultivate relationships and embed ourselves in the community. And it took a lot of putting ourselves out there. Which leads me to my next tip…
Put Yourself Out There (With The Right People)
When I moved to Mammoth, I had an advantage being by myself: it forced me to put myself out there. It was going to get lonely quickly if I sat at home riddled with social anxiety each day and missing Nick. I also had the advantage of having a full time job which kept me busy and social.
There are pros and cons to making friends in a new city as a couple. The major pro being: each person will meet different coworkers or friends, so double the options. The major con being: sticking to what’s comfortable and not putting yourselves out there because you have each other. Having tried to make friends on my own vs in a couple, I would much prefer starting a life somewhere with my partner.
After moving to Mammoth alone, I made a huge effort to go out each night after work, mingle with my housemates longer than I normally would have, and hit up local events. After having such a solid and inclusive social circle in Queenstown, I was determined to make friends in Mammoth.
One day recently after moving here, I went on a hike to Reds Meadow and started chatting with the Forest Service girl who looked my age. Little did I know, we had a ton in common. She even had a travel blog about hiking, photography and the Eastern Sierra. After Tiare and I met that day last summer, a few weeks of messaging back and forth went by. Since then, we have gone out hiking or brunching almost every week! We serendipitously met and fostered the relationship. Now, I call that friendship story a success!
Tangential pro tip: Don’t waste time with people who you don’t see a friendship future with. Not only is this draining and going to lead nowhere, but taking quality alone time is more sacred than subpar social time! When you’re new somewhere it can be exhausting to keep introducing yourself. Taking time to yourself is so important!
Different Places Pose Different Social Challenges
Soon after moving, I realized, Mammoth is not Queenstown.
Comparing two places you’ve lived is like comparing apples to oranges.
Let’s back up to the 2019 Taranaki birthday dinner I mentioned earlier. This birthday was reflective of my place in life in that moment: alone with my boyfriend in another country not knowing a soul. The moment was simply a snapshot of a larger narrative. It was a beautiful adventure we had just begun, but at times living abroad was really lonely and isolating.
Then, moving to Mammoth, a 8,000-person rural mountain town posed challenges I never foresaw. Even living in Queenstown, although socially idyllic at times, initially posed challenges for many months before I felt settled and rooted.
When I lived in New York City, I had a difficult time finding a community. I had a wonderful group of students in my college classes, who I enjoyed spending time with. But I always look back at that period remembering feeling really detached and out-of-it.
Ultimately, each place I’ve lived has posed different social challenges.
Socially, Some Places are Just More Difficult than Others
Heard of the Seattle Freeze? Seattlelites have been characterized as “cliquey, distant, and uninterested.” Even entire countries have been indexed by the ability of newcomers or expats to make friends.
Queenstown is a population of international travelers, expats, young people and outdoor lovers. Like a college campus, many people who live there already have multiple things in common. While at college everyone is studying for a degree, in Queenstown you can assume more often than not that someone is an expat, loves to travel, and probably enjoys the outdoors. Both college campuses and Queenstown have great recipes for making friends.
Ski towns, you can assume, have locals who love to ski. College towns have people associated with the university. Beach towns have people who like the beach. Major cities have all types of different people. You get the idea…
Ultimately, making friends in a new city is hard. But it is fully possible.
I am curious to know: Have you moved to a new city recently? Did you make new friends? If so, how did you make them?
